/beginrant
Wow. There's been a lot to think about these past few days. I figure I'm just being tested, and that's ok, but it still bugs me how some people get away with all this crap.This is supposed to be a land of opportunity, a place where everyone who wants to put forth an effort can make a difference in their own lives. Lately, however, things seem to not be so balanced. It feels like as long as you know someone, or say the things that people want to hear, that's all that matters. You can be a hard working, honest person, doing things you know you should, helping others, etc. and all you get is a good feeling at night. Use to be enough for most of us. Ethics seem to have gone out the window, however, and it makes those of us that do the right things get a real good shafting when it comes crunch time. I'd like to say many things, point out exactly what I'm talking about, try and help be the solution to these problems, but I'm not allowed to do that. That would be either A)hurtful to someone's feelings, B)Going outside of  the chain of things or C)I'd be ignored, like usual.

It frustrates me to no end knowing I could be making a difference, making things better all around, and I can't because I can't risk my family's security. I love coming home at night, getting to see my beautiful little boy and my lovely wife.... I have so much to be thankful for! When it's this much work to make myself get up and go, to leave them for the day to make those ends meet (or as close as I can), without wanting to stab myself in the ear to make this frustration and worry go away.... it really makes me stop and think about all these things. To be constantly exposed to this day after day, it really changes me as a person, and I don't like what it's been doing to me. I find myself becoming like those 'things' that I detest, but only when I'm forced to put up with the same crap all the time.

In short, I've been at wit's end for a while now, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this get me, or hurt my family. I just wish I knew which way to take this.

/endrant

Have a great Christmas everyone. :)

Some good days this last weekend. My folks came up, and spent Saturday and part of Sunday with us. We got to go to Tuba Christmas! This is only the second year that it's been here in Ames, and it was pretty awesome. It was held in the church that we attend, First UMC, and the place was packed! I got some camera pictures, but nothing really good. Hopefulyl next year I'll get to play in the ensemble myself. I miss stuff like that, playing in bands and whatnot.

Jay was such a good little boy in church today! Kathy got to sing with the cantata at the 8:30 service, and then play in the bell choir at the later one. Jay, Mom and I went to the early one, and he was really well behaved, and even fell asleep for a bit while Mom was holding him. He's had a pretty big weekend, getting his Flu shot, seeing G&G Slater, and going out with us to various locations this weekend.

New things from daddy's perspective: Getting barfed on isn't so bad (yet) except when it's on my forehead. That one was kinda messy. Sometimes, all you need to do to feel right as rain, is poop! Laughter is really the best medicine, especially when it's Jay who is laughing. (it's really contagious!) Money isn't everything, but it sure sucks when you can't afford to get your little boy and wife much for Christmas.  All those times when I was little, when I didn't want to take a nap..... I really wish I could have those now. It's always good to see family, and to share in love and laughter, especially this time of year. I think I enjoy seeing our families more now that we have a little boy to share the joy with. :)

Late night tonight. Little Jay and Kathy are finally sleepin. I hope they feel better tomorrow. :) I'm slowly getting over this crap, but now she's got it.

I'm going to try and burn into my brain some of the looks I got from my little boy today. When he looks at me and smiles that innocent, truly happy smile, I almost go to tears every time. He makes me feel so good when he's happy, and it makes me feel awful when I know he's hurting, or in pain and I can't help. That look of pure love and happiness today is something that most of us are missing in our lives, and it's a tough thing to get back, even when you get to my age. I really truly know what that feels like when I get to hold him, and when I get to hold Kathy. The good lord has truly blessed me with my family, and I am very thankful for it each and every day.

I hope I remember that look he gave me when in the near future he's set fire to the couch, or broken his brand new computer, or told me he never wants to talk to me again. He's always gonna be mah lil boy. :~)

The last few days, I've been fighting something.... a cold, strep, I'm not really sure. what started off as a sore throat ended up being a pretty nasty cold and chest thing as well. I think I'm on the mend, but I may have given it to Jay. :( Poor lil guy is teething, (2 bottom front row teeth poking out!) and now has a sniffle and sneezing, plus he's stuffy, and can't sleep lying down so much. So, Kathy and I have been snuggling with him on the recliner couch, to try and help him get some snoozers. (It helps daddy too lately, don't get me wrong!) I took a picture of him last night, as he fell asleep on my knees facing toward me.

I look forward to the coming holidays, as I always enjoy Christmas time, especially when we get to see close family, and enjoy some wonderful food and time together. I'm a bit torn, as we don't have enough income to get much for presents this year, and I really would like to get some nice things for Kathy and Jay. (We've decided we're going to get little stocking presents for each other, and that's all) We'll end up getting some things for Jay, I couldn't bring myself to NOT have something for my little boy on his first Christmas. I also look forward to this season, as I've set my mind to start watching more what I eat, and more importantly, how MUCH. I hope to get a real handle on that aspect first, and then start adding some exercise. We've hooked the Wii back up, so I'm hoping to get Kathy to do Wii fit with me 3 or 4 times a week for starters. This all stems from a conversation I had with Kathy a few months back and from another that I had with the doctor that gave me my DOT physical the other day. I REALLY want to be around for my family, and it scares the crap out of me to think about not being here. I have the motivation, now I just need to get out and actually do these things. My long term goal is to get to 225, but I'd love to see 275 to start. :)

I've been having some back issues since Sunday, and have been on and off of muscle relaxants since Yesterday. It's kind of odd, how my back is 'pulling' like it wants to cramp. Lower left side is where most of the issue is, and that's the main arm I use to carry Jay, so it's been fun adjusting. I had today off, and it was nice to take it easy, even though I have stuff I need to get done once I feel up to it. Jay broke out into a bit of a rash today, but it hasn't seemed to be bothering him too much. Either that, or it does bother him and he doesn't know how to express it. We called first nurse, and they said to keep an eye on him, especially if he has trouble breathing, or gets swelling in his face and neck area, which he hasn't yet.


I'm looking forward to the coming weeks, as we will be going home to see my side of the family for Thanksgiving, and Kathy, Mom, and Jennifer will be going to a crafty type show to sell some things they've been working on, and then we'll get to see Kathy's family for another thanksgiving. :) Jay is going to have all kinds of relatives to see!

Trying to figure out what to do for the little boy is frustrating at times. With all the books we have, it's still a mystery at times, which makes for part of the fun, but also the helpless feeling.I'm very thankful for the family that I have, and for the extended family that we enjoy. There are days I wish we were closer to them all, and days I'm happy we're not. Whatever the days brings, I'm always thankful for them. :)

Snuggles!

Wednesdays, Kathy has bell choir and chancel choir. I'd like to be able to participate in chancel choir, but with work keeping me til 7 at the very lest, I can't guarantee that I'd be able to make a 7:30 rehearsal time.

When Jay and Kathy got home, he was OUT! Snoozin' away like the lil angel he is. So, after a bath and some giggle time with daddy, he was ready for some chow and some sleep. He had his 6 month checkup today, and had vaccines, so it didn't take much and he was out again.  After absorbing as much of his sleep hormones as I could take ( I swear little babies give those off!!) Kathy came and put him in his crib. As much as I love the snuggle time, we need to have him start going to sleep on his own more. *sigh*

They sure do grow up fast. He still makes my day worth it tho... coming home to him and Kathy. :)

First!!

Well, here's to a new daddy's perspective on things. :) I will try and share my thoughts and feelings, and see what happens. Feel free to comment if you know me, no matter how well, as I can always consider options.

Today was a pretty good day. Kathy took a bit of a spill before giving Jay his bath, which scared us a little bit, but we're pretty sure she's ok. Yesterday she had a monster of a migraine, so I needed to stay home and help care for Jay. Most of the time, she was sleeping, while some of the time, Jay got to join her, which I think helps her feel much better. (I know snuggling with him makes me feel all better inside!) I hope and pray that we're doing well raising our little boy, as I worry that we're not doing what we should when we should, or keep his little mind active enough. I worry about not letting him be independent enough, as does Kathy, but I do love picking him up and snugglin'.

As a fairly new daddy, I have worries, mostly about myself, as to how I'm going to do with guiding my son in the world, as I assume all parents do at one point or another. I worry that my physical condition might not be enough to keep up with him, and I worry that my mental condition might not be either, as he seems to be a smart little boy so far! My life has been so much better since I've had Kathy in my life, and now with the addition of Jay, it's more than I could ask for... both blessings and trials. I know that at the end of the day, when I come home to my family, things are ok with the world, as long as I can give my beautiful bride a hug and kiss, and hear my little boy's laugh. :)